The Team

“I wonder how often you think about death.

Maybe not your own death. Perhaps someone you love is sick, and death is at their doorstep. Perhaps someone you love has died recently, and you’re grieving their loss. Perhaps you’ve lost a beloved pet recently. 

Perhaps you DO think about your own death. 

Maybe you think to yourself, “If I was dead, this thing I’m worrying about wouldn’t be a problem.” Maybe you’re just scared of dying.

Think of the first thing that comes to mind when I say “death.” Perhaps you think of words like “final”, “forever”, “sickness”. 

I’m going to be talking about my own death. Just incase anyone is confused, I’m not talking about physical death.

I’m talking, of course, about spiritual death. Unlike those words I suggested a moment ago, (final, forever, sickness) the death I’ll be talking about does not end there-

Because there is one who conquered it on my behalf. 

I was hardly a good student in high school. Matter of fact, having “Colt Howell” and “good student” in a sentence is an oxymoron. I failed many classes. I was extremely lazy. I hid much of my failings from my parents. I was deceitful. Even further, I finished high school during one of the worst times to graduate- in the heart of the Covid-19 pandemic in 2020, a pandemic that ripped away someone I loved dearly.

My dear grandfather had Parkinson’s disease for over 10 years. Incase you don’t know much about the disease, and also to put it plainly, it typically makes quicker work of a person than that. For Parkinson’s disease to be spread across that long of a time is to suffer immensely. Why do I bring this up? Besides being my grandfather, he was also a Christian- the only one in my family. In January of 2021, he suffered a terrible fall and broke his hip. While recovering in an assisted living facility, there was a terrible Covid outbreak. Due to regulations at the time, my grandpa died by himself in a cold, empty room. Not only that, his lifeless body was then left in there for several days due to contamination from the virus. 

I was angry at God. 

“If there is a God,” I cried, “then why did the only godly man in my family die such an unimaginable death?” 

It felt as though he was brutally snatched out of my hand. 

I failed more classes. This time it was in college, which is worse because I’m paying for the classes. I was cheating and lying to try and fix my failings. I lost friends. I was bitter and angry. 

Because of my failings, I had my financial aid and loans taken away from me. Yet again, another brutal snatching of something that was so vital to me. I was lost and broken because of my failings, anger, bitterness, cheating, and lying. 

I felt like I had nothing. Everything was being snatched away from me. For a moment, I wondered what it would be like to die. I wasn’t suicidal by any means, but I wanted things to be over with. 

This culminated in a moment of despair, by myself, on the Third Floor of the Music building, being lost and broken because of my sin. 

Seemingly randomly, I had a desire to open a Bible. I didn’t grow up in a Christian home. I had never gone to church. I never went to Bible studies. I knew absolutely zero about God or Christianity. 

I opened up the book of John, and I read. I didn’t just read a passage or two- I read the entire thing. 

And. I. Believed. Everything. I. Read.

Jesus said that Christians need to be born again. Jesus said that he is the bread of life. Jesus said that he is the light of the world. And I agreed with all of these things.

I didn’t realize what was happening until I got to chapter 10, when I read this passage:

“At that time the Feast of Dedication took place at Jerusalem. It was winter, and Jesus was walking in the temple, in the colonnade of Solomon. So the Jews gathered around him and said to him, “How long will you keep us in suspense? If you are the Christ, tell us plainly.” Jesus answered them, “I told you, and you do not believe. The works that I do in my Father’s name bear witness about me, but you do not believe because you are not among my sheep. My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me,is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.””

(‭‭John‬ ‭10‬:‭22‬-‭30‬)‬‬

I was hearing the voice of Jesus. I realized I was one of his sheep. And because I was hearing the voice of the Good Shepherd, and despite so many things being snatched out of my life, I read that NO ONE is able to snatch me out of his hand if I am united to him in faith. I believed ALL of it. 

I believed that God is a holy, perfect, righteous, good, and loving God, yet a God who does not leave the guilty unpunished. 

I believed that my rebellion against God was an attack on his character, that my sin makes God out to be this stingy and miserly creator who holds out good things from his people. And because of my sin, I deserve his eternal wrath to be poured out onto me. Friend, if you believe this lie, that God is withholding something good that you can’t have, LISTEN TO ME: He is not like that!

He has given us EVERYTHING. Even his only Son Jesus, who bled and died on a cross, taking the punishment for the sins of everyone who would ever believe in him. And just like my spiritual death, it did not end there. Jesus defeated sin and death by rising 3 days later. That same death I opened with a few moments ago, has been defeated.

Because of that truth, I responded. I started following Jesus. I stopped living for myself, and began living for the glory of Him who has called me out of darkness into his marvelous light. I know that someday, when death is at my doorstep, the only power it has over me is to pick me up, and place me into the hands of our loving savior. 

Don’t you also want that?”